mlah The culture that has evolved here isnt conducive to sissies

December 9, 2007

Weekend Fun

Filed under: Misc — mlah @ 11:21 am

so this weekend was different.

friday, i got off work and headed back to my hotel. around 7 i got hungry and ventured over to the tgif acrodd the street. i’d eaten here already once this week and it was quiet. i didn’t expect a huge crowd.

really, who goes barring at a friday’s anyway?

so i walk in and go to the bar. i usually do this when traveling anyway. feel funny getting a table by myself.

the same bartender i had a couple of nights before was there. i ordered some tea and after looking at the menu, i got some mozzarella sticks and some lobster tortelloni. i thought it was called tortellini? but never mind.

and the fun and games started.

these three chicks came in and sat at the bar around the corner from me. one was about 25 and mildly attractive. another was aroun 35 and was the best looking of the bunch. the last was around 50. outweighed me. about 5’10”. unkept blonde hair in a sweatshirt, and skin tight jeans. the jeans only server to squish everything ‘up’ and make her look fatter.

they were loud, and immdeitely commenced getting their drink on.

some guy approached, and started hitting on them. fat lady knew him and introduced him to the other two. the youngest girl was her daughter. he zeroed in on the attractive girl. leaving daughter and fat mama.

fat mama noticed me and started making eyes. so i sat there staring straight ahead, like a scared dear, thinking don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact, DON’T MAKE EYE CONTACT!

all to no avail. big fat mama threw out her best joey tribiane line of ‘how you doin’ acroos the bar.

i ignored it.

mozzarella sticks arrived. i just concentrated on my dinner. and tea.
should have been over right? no.

bartender was chuckling. he evidently saw this every weekend.

i noticed the daughter looking at me. she was mildly attractive so i looked at her. and she gave the palms up like, ‘what’s the problem?’, and motioned at her mom.

first time i’ve ever had a girl try to pimp out her mom to me.

mom was on drink 4. 2 younger girls were drinking standard fufu chick drinks. mom was power slamming beer.

dinner came. lobster is good.

mama kept making eyes. i kept ignoring her. daughter was getting mad. bartenders were chuckling.

oh, did i mention that this lady was LOUD? like she’s talking, but really, she’s yelling? the whole bar was chuckling at me.

and as i was finishing my dinner, fat mama made her move. she threw out, very loudly, “hey baby, why don jhue com down heah and have a drink wit me!”

every f’n bartender and half the customers all stopped what they were doing, turned and looked straight at me.

i very calmly said “no thank you”.

mama was upset. after all, i had just faced her in front of the whole bar. and the whole bar knew. she was upset.

so she asked “well why not!” in a pissed off tone.

so i lied and said that i didn’t drink. i was only drinking tea after all. didn’t think it was smart to drink since i was starting to come down with something (i now have a head cold).

this pissed mama off. she started talking shit. daughter was pissed off too. the other girl was busy witht he first guy that started hitting on her.

i started getting mad too. just ruining my friday night. i was actually considering finding a theatre or something. but now i was just mad.

so i ordered a margarita on the rocks.

with salt? of course!

oh, the bartender, at friday’s in burlington nj named jason is actually one of the best bartenders i’ve ever had.

he didn’t bat an eye. just served up my margarita.

fat mama was lived. almost literally frothing at the mouth!

they yelled, talked shit, and stormed out.

bartenders found the whole deal amusing.

i went home and watched a video. just not in the right mood to do anything else.

so here comes saturday.

i slept in late. which was nice and had a good laugh at the night before. most striking thing to me was daughter trying to hook me up with mom. and have no doubts. fat mama wasn’t looking for good conversation….. wow. amazes me.

so i did my laundry and checked google maps for the best route to atlantic city. i’ve never been and it is only like 75 miles away!

so i went

quick note. highways in nj don’t go places. they just sort of go for a while and then end. this leaves you in middle of nowhere on some road going through various boro’s. it’s a pain to find the next highway.

but it wasn’t that hard. i got there arond 4 pm.

now. it was 4 pm, and i hadn’t eaten anything since the night before. i figured i would eat at some boardwalk restaurant. i walked all around and really didn’t see anything. i was propostitioned by hookers at massage parlors on the boardwalk 4 times going south along the boardwalk, and then 4 more times going back.

lovely place. actually, physically, it reminds me of monterey, california. but with casinos.

i got all shaky from lack o food. so i stopped in a starbucks for a quick espresso. WRONG answer. i order a triple mocha. it was cold, and i wanted the large for the heat it would give me. head cold had taken shape, and i wanted the heat! but ole girl asked me what size?

now mind you. in the stan, we had a coffee shop called green beans. only place open 24 hours. they had their sizes as single, double, and triple.

i had ordered a triple! but starbucks has that ventii crap. ie, i must figure out the starbucks party line and conform before i can have what i want.

so i succumbed and said venti. just give me my fuckin coffee! and an m&m cookie.

so. i got a venti all right. a got a venti with a triple shot of espresso! oh fuck me. i didn’t know. i ate the cookie, drank the coffee, and turned into cornholio.

i finally stoped in a restaurant. and the waitress was all worried about me. i was white and shaking after all. after my dinner, i started coming down. it was about 6 before i was ready to walk around again.

i looked for a show. i went to caesers and asked. the only show in town was at the tropicana? and it was kenny rogers. no. desire. to. see. him.

so i took out my limit to gamble with. i usually limit myslef to 100 bucks a day when i go to vegas. i saw no reason to change because i was in atlantic city.

blackjack in caesers is 25 bucks a game. minimum.

i went down to 25 bucks in 3 games. then went on a winning streak up to 225 bucks.

and i looked up and who do you think i saw standing by the other side of the blackjack table?

FAT FUCKIN MAMA! OMG! she had a vague ‘i know you from somewhere’ look on her face. but daughter was pissed off.
i looked away and tried to concentrate on my game. but there went my luck.

i think i won one more game after that.

i gambled for about 25 minutes total. i got one rum and coke out of the deal. sigh.

i drove home, getting semi-lost again.

i didn’t eat dinner.


  1. Dude, that’s lame. Should have come to crofton and gone out with me and Mr. Chien!

    Comment by medium john — December 9, 2007 @ 11:51 am

  2. A piece of trivia. If you noticed the lighthouse (you should have since you walked up the boardwalk), it was designed by Captain George G Meade. After whom the base in Maryland was named.

    Comment by yup — December 9, 2007 @ 6:05 pm

  3. OMG YAY Ft. Meade! I’m turning 23 soon. I won’t be able to use the PX or Commissary after my birthday 🙁

    Comment by Jeanna — December 9, 2007 @ 6:25 pm

  4. That’s the best weekend story I’ve heard in a while.

    Comment by Kristen — December 11, 2007 @ 5:01 pm

  5. amazing.

    Comment by Callie — December 15, 2007 @ 2:48 am

  6. too funny! you should of least gotten a free drink outta fat momma and then made a break for it!

    Comment by terri — December 19, 2007 @ 4:24 pm

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