mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

September 14, 2006

Sweet Kandi

Filed under: Humor,Women — mlah @ 3:43 pm

so this will be the last of my posts about my recent stripper escapades. at least, until i get some new stripper escapades. i still get a couple of emails from these girls. i’ll probably publish a couple of the tamer flamings so y’all can see the level of vindictiveness i’m dealing with.

this is the sunday before i flew out. i was finishing cleaning my house and packing. just tieing up loose ends really.

i had gone out with bluesdaddy to all stars and seen rachel doing the stripper sway on stage, and then had to mix it up a little on my way out.

here are the other two pertinent posts for y’all who are not yet up to speed. kandi kane and sugar babies. read kandi kane first.
now. i wrote most of this a week ago and have been contemplating whether or not to actually put it up. but i just can’t NOT post this. so here we go.

after the little soire’ on friday night, saturday morning, mahli was a little upset. once rachel/amber had found me and we were ‘asked’ to leave allstars, bluesdaddy and i had finished out the night playing pool and throwing darts. unknown to us, rachel and mahli were hunting me down.

somehow they got my last name.

maybe something to do with the tab we started at allstars. what a hassle. and i’m like, in the phone book. i have to fix that.

so sunday afternoon i get the driveby. wade, my neighbor across the street gives me a ring an d tells me there’s an old firebird scoping out my house. wade and i have each other’s ohone numbers in case we forget and leave our garages open. we can call and say hey dumbass, it’s 2am. shut your garage!

but this was 2pm. and wade was hard at work in his garage on his remote control plane. so he’s standing out there and can see my house. this damn firebird keeps driving by and stopping in front of my house.

now. it’s kind of hard to tell when i’m home. my garage is shut most of the time, unless i’ve walked across the street to supervise wade in his mustang construction, with shiner in hand. there are no used room in the front of my house. the living room and kitchen look out the back, so if someone was watching my house from the front, they’re not likely to see me and know anyone is in my casa.

wade asked if he could help them, and a ‘couple of younf ladies’ said no and left.

i knew i was in trouble. wade’s cool. but he does have a couple of kids to look out for. and my home owners association are asses. and i could just see the trouble brewing.

so they switched cars.

and let’s face it, if you’ve read the other two posts you already know amber and mahli are not the most assertive of chicks. kandi is though. kandi came and knocked on my door.

shit. well, kandi is cool, but i know i’m getting nowhere with her. i mean she could have just gotten her boots back from me directly, but she made mahli do it. and she knows i was interested in her. did y’all see the pic? perfect boobs. she claims they’re real, but i think further investigation would be required for UN verification of those weapons.

so she knocked and i answered. all happy and shit. but then rachel and mahli hopped out of her glossy black mustang convertible and started up my little hill. kandi kind of had the ‘so sorry’ look. but she grinned anyway and made sure i kept the door open and took my medicine.

so why the hell is rachel so pissed at me? i have no idea. i had even less of an idea then. mahli i kind of understand. and she commenced to chewing. and i figured it’s ok. i have plenty of ass for her to chew. i can afford to lose some. mahli got all pokeyand was just rattling off faster than i can remember. and all i could do was look across the street at wade, who was grinning and shuffling his boy inside.

so literally, withing two minutes of the start, wade and his wif were literally sitting in lawn chairs in his driveway drinking beer and wine cooler enjoying the show.

i kept trying to get a little something in, but figure the odds. mahli just kept poking me. rachel was saying “yeah” and “that’s right”.

obviously, rachel is blonde.

finally i was tired of the finger and i moved. mahli immediately demanded, “what, you don’t like me poking you?” and me, the smart ass said, “i prefer when i’m poking you”. yeah, all hell broke loose.

kandi was halfway up the steps to my house just grinning, until i made the pokey comment, at which time she started laughing. i mean after all, i hadn’t really said anything about her.

but this pushed mahli over the edge. i’ve been slapped before, but nobody has ever knocked the glasses clean off my head. it was a first. my reflexes must be getting slow. but i started laughing when kandi did. (i discovered in our alcohol laced discussions that we think quite a bit alike) and laughing on que with kandi just made her even more mad.

i heard the nieighbors gasp. mahli beat the crap out of me. just slapping away. rachel was very pleased. i guess because she wasn’t in the bushes this time. but eventually she got tired and i was blocking most everything she could throw at me. that initial slap hurt like a bitch though. i can still see that slap. it was in slow motion.

so kandi did the cool thing and ‘helped’ mahli down the steps to her car. rachel went with them yelling her ass off at me the whole way.

and by the way. none of that was true rachel. she hurled the usual things at me which girls always resort to when they’re pissed at a guy. complete with hand gestures.

and they left. for now.

wade insisted i come over and have a beer. he wanted the story and i was only too ready to tell him. he had a good laugh.

so then at 4. rachel came back in her little toyota supra. buy a new car girl! that thing is 10 plus years old. learn to shake it a little better so you can affor done. and mahli really, you too. get rid of that firebird.

rachel. she rang my bell and started yelling. i shut the door. i had shit to do. she rang it for a while and screamed at me while she pounded on my door. i guess she attracted some other neighborly attention as well. i hadn’t thought of that at the time. but it makes sense now.

she left eventually and came back later. all three of them did. mahli and rachel rang my bell and beat the crap out of my poor front door.

and by the way, when i get back, i’m totally buying on eof the cool varnished high dollar jobs with a window in it.

eventually i had to answer to tell them to just f’n quit and go the hell away.

i had an audience. there were 7 people across the street in watching the show. not counting kandi who was lounging in her mustang. i had two really pissed off chicks playing pokey again. i was looking at my neighbors across the road. staring at kandis magificent boobs. and she had no trouble displaying them of course. she knew i was looking. she would catch me and just smile, then reposition titan just a little. promethius she just let hang there.

then the police arrived.

i haven’t had the police come to my house since college. not since my old room mate tim sperier, and my other fraternity brother jerry conger had a drinking duel followed by wrestling… and then the cops.

the cop were cool though. he just just smiled that knowing smile and asked what the trouble was. rachel got bitchy with him which he didn’t like. he shut her right the hell up.

sometimes a man in uniform can shut up a bitchy girl.

mahli was just brewing though. tea kettle ready to explode. he assured her that everything would be ok. and that i was going to take down my posts…. which of course i agreed to…. 😉

and they left.

my neighbors clapped. holy crap, i bet they’re still talking about it. not a good thing. i had a last shiner with wade late sunday around 10. non-stop crap. ‘so, mlah, is it true you don’t know shit about fucking?’ so, mlah, is it true you’re hung like an infant?’ so, mlah, is it true ……..’

she was graphic.

and no. none of the insults she hurled are true.

i’m mad now. i’m going to recover those emails and post some of the highlights.

1 Comment »

  1. Do you have a second floor? One word dude: water balloon. Wait, that’s two.

    Comment by medium john — September 14, 2006 @ 4:50 pm

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