mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

March 11, 2006


Filed under: Women — mlah @ 8:59 pm

some of you may not want to read this.

it’s not what you think, and is what some of you think. but in any event i wouldn’t expand the post at work.

moonbatty has been after me to post this story for a bit. seems i alluded to it too often, and she demanded to be in the know. so now you all are.

it’s prompted by my frequent assertions that this girl, or that girl ‘needs a spanking’. as in moonbatty does. and jessica alba.

spanking of course, is not reffering to the actual act of putting paddle to fanny, but something else altogether. now for the story. it’s long…….

ever have one of those moments burned into your brain? the kind of thing you will NEVER forget? this is one for me.

my first time to sea i was on the monterey (cg-61). you can always tell is if someone was actually on a ship by whether or not they know the pennant number. if you were on the ship, you’ll remember the number.

i learned a lot of things while on this ship. just getting along with people. some of you might think that’s not a big deal. but i’m talking about really getting along. not passing a coworker in the hall and saying hi getting along. i’m talking about sharing a very limited space with around 600 guys. working 12 hour shifts forever. you’ll a get a day off ‘if’ the shipp hits a port.

one of the first things i learned about sea life was about something called the ‘library’. it’s not alway books. and just fyi, there usually is an actual ships library. but i’m not talking about romance novels. i’m talking about porno.

rule of thumb. if you want to ‘check’ items out of the library, there is no fee. no cards. you usually just have to make a contribution to the library first. and further, whether you check items out or not, you should probably make a contribution anyway.

when i checked onboard the monterey, i got berthed in snipe berthing. a snipe is an engineer. the snipes were usually a pretty surly, pissed off lot. they had to work in the belly of the ship running engines and boilers and all kinds of other industrial things that make a ship function. as an example, a ticonderoga (tico) class cruiser (of which the monterey was one) had 4 boeing 707 jet engines for propulsion. the snipes who ran the engines were correspndingly jet engine mechanics. imagine running a jet engine INDOORS for 12 hours a day. now multiply it by 4.

yeah, they’re generall;y pretty pissed and just don’t give a crap about anything.

now. when i got berthing. i got a top rack in a cube. a cube is a little cube with a rack on each side, exactly the size of the cube. so there is only a little space in between the racks. now stack them three racks high so that each cube has 6 people in it. i got a top cube as usual, because they were the worst racks. regular ships company is on the ship all the time, and they pick the best racks. my happy butt got to check onboard in palma de majorca, spain.

so i got a top rack. this means that in storms, you have the furthest to fall. now, to make matters worse, it was in the cube right next to the bathrooms. which meant i also got to enjoy the doors opening and closing all night.

it just generally sucked. but what are you to do. i was on their ship for a limited time. and i would move on evetually, and get to return to my nice apartment in rota, spain. they still had to live on that ship. so i bit my tongue.

when i checked on, i got to meet the people who shared my cube pretty quickly. i remember one guy nicknamed critter. jet engine mechanic. he was funny.

oh, turned out on this ship that a little southern clique had informed buddies from throughout the navy-snipe community and the predominance were pretty much rednecks. i had no problems.

one guy in my cube was the librarian. he very quickly informed me and was ready for my ‘contribution’. i had a couple of spanish playboys i gave him, which he took, but then he informed me about the other library.

the video library.

the snipes on the monterey had a nice little lounge, which consisted of a couch, a chair, and a tv. lots of lfoor sitting going on here. the tv only picked up ships closed circuit tv. so we got the ships movie nightly. other than that it was video central. and you know what kind of movies the snipes were watching.”the librarian” was ordering material. he had some nasty ‘juggs’ magazine or something…..

a quick note. i’m a porno snob. if i’m going to see something along these lines, i only want to see girls. so lesbian prono only please.

he had some nasty mag and was picking out videos at 2 for 10$ out of the back of the mag. i had no videos to contribute, so i need to buy. he offered to let me pick, but i just gave him the money and went about my business. he ordered God knows how many porno movies as lots of the snipes were renewing their memberships to the library. he told everyone i was ‘in’, so i never had any trouble watching tv. which was usually some really horrid fetish affair. all of these new additions to the library were due to arrive in just 4-8 weeks!

i was in the best shape of my life on this ship. i didn’t watch that much tv. i worked, worked out, which was stair climber mostly, read a little, caught the odd movie in the galley (ship’s dining hall), and went to bed. repeat daily. yes, i caught the occasional porno, but not often.

i met some more of the snipes in berthing. when liberty came, i was just as likely to check off of the ship with some snipe buddies as i was buddies from my workcenter. and that is RARE! usually, everone pretty much checks out with their coworkers. you usually don’t get to know too many other people on the ship.

i found out there was another little group of guys in snipe berthing….

oh, a berthing usually has around 80-90 (E6 or less) guys in it. you have two bathroom type thing. one i s a bathroom, with three stalls and two urinals, the other is around 10 tiny stainless steel sinks, and 4 showers. that’s it. for 80-90 guys. this is why the navy usually says they can’t have girls on a ship. there’s just no way they would tolerate the living conditions.

the other group of guys temporary out to ship were what are normally called airdales. there were 10-11 guys who maintained the ships helicopter. all they did was maintain the thing, and make sure evrything went ok with takeoffs and landings. they had this special cube that was really just two cubes end to end. ie, it was two racks long, and held 12. that way they all could stay together. but the cool thing about it was that you could see the tv from your rack.

this was cool for them, but proved to be a very bad problem.

really, this is a post about my use of the term ‘spanking’. and some of you will laugh. some have probably already quit reading!

the pilot of the helicopter got to make the airdales’ work schedule. and since he was only out flying for from 4-8 hours a day, he was cool and let them have the rest of the time off. instead of requiring them to help serve food, or paint the ship or some other useful thing.

so they spent a LOT of time hanging out. watching pornos.

time went on.

the airdales watched porno. and more porno. all hours. from time to time, i’d wake up in the mniddle of the night and drop out of my third level up rack to the floor and hop into the bathroom, and sometimes on my way back, i’d turn right and hop over to the ‘lounge’ for a quick eyeful of something. more often than not, it was something i really didn’t want to see. but occasionally it was something nice.

and then i’d hop back into my rack.

one day, after a couple of months, the pilot got mad. he was this big bodybuilder dude who had played linebacker for navy at annapolis. something like that. he noticed that all of his crew was tired. and he thought, what the hell? they’re only working 4-8 hours a day. everyone else is working 12 hours+, and they’re doing ok.

so he watched. and he made a few comments to his team to be sure and get some rest. but no change. they were still dragging. every day. so he was actually kind of cool and decided to make a stop to see them. maybe they were having problems in snipe berthing snipes have a really bad reputation, and generally deserved it. it was possible that they were having real trouble with someone, and were just trying to work it out and not notify the officers. but he had a genuine concren. tired airdales introduced the possibility of accidents.

and well, a tico class cruiser is really just a steel hull with a couple hundred thousand gallons of jet fuel. and hey! don’t forget the high explosive weapons! maybe even nukes.

the airdale officer had to get them boys some rest. after all, it was HIM who would get to swim if the helo went down. or worse.

so he shlepped down to no mans land. down below the water line, right above the gas tanks, to check on his guys.

and there they were. every single one of them. laying in bed watching pornos. man was he pissed. i distinctly remember him offering to take his bars off and fight anyone that though they could take him. there were no takers. whether he decides to take them off or no, and whether you win or not. you still get burned for assaulting an officer. the skipper made no deals.

but officer whined to the skipper that the snipes were watchiong too much porno! causing his airdales to get no rest. and thus endangering flight ops, him, and the ship in general. it’s actually pretty true, except for the snipes being the cause. the airdales could have just closed their curtain and gone to sleep. the moaning and groaning from the tv wasn’t that loud. it certainly wasn’t as bad as the bathroom door banging around all of the time.

skipper took action. they do. you don’t make it that far by sitting on your hands. he took the master at arms, and the airdale officer down into snipe berthing and searched every locker. and confiscated every single video.

the airdales weren’t getting any sleep now. they were in real fear for thei lives. people sometimes fall overboard in the middle of the night. they sleepwalk. they slip. who knows. they just disappear. i’ve been told that every single time a carrier puts to sea, it’ll put back into port with 5-6 less people. accidents happen. usually accidents. and the snipes were customarily bad, mean, and nasty.

i was privately assured of my safety. rumor has it, they threw all of the videos in a trash bag, notified a russian ship that had been following us around, filled the bag with air like a balloon. and threw it over for the russian enjoyment. i have no idea if it’s true.

but the airdales were fortunate. literally, the very next day after the great skipper pooty hunt, there started arriving in the mail, a multitude of brand new additions to the now empty video library!

this was double secret, no officer intelligence. it was let it be known that the individual who dropped the ball and let the officers find out about the new videos would be in real trouble. they even went so far as to start ‘dogging’ the hatches into the berthing. that means you have all of those liuttle handles on the door locked. it’ll take someone a good minute to open a door that way.

it was funny going down to my rack and having to basically give a password to get in.

but they had videos again! and the airdales were forbidden from watching. airdales were sent to be immediately.


i was tired. it had been a long day. i had worked out and gone to bed. i woke up in the middle of the night, and made my way across the little bit to the bathroom in the red glow of the battle lanterns.

i did my stuff and on my return….. there was this eerie blue glow coming from the right.

it was dead silent.

it looked like someone had opened up the side of the ship and the blue sky at dusk was just glowing into the ship.

i was drawn to it like a moth to light.

there were three people in the lounge. one guy in the chair. one guy sacked out on the couch. and this little bitty guy laying on the floor.

what a sight he was. he looked to weigh around 100 pounds. bright blonde hair closely cut like everyone’s haircut. but he was wearing some nasty navy issue boxers. which fit him at the waist, but then ballooned out to around size xxl. navy issue underwear always went into the trash once you left bootcamp.

not for this guy. there he was in all his glory. laying on the pristine waxed floor, in boxers way too big for him, with his name stamped ALL over them. he was CAGLE. it was just ink stamped all over his drawers.

the only other thing he was wearing were some godzilla slippers. we had to have foot gear on at all times after all. these were the slippers that ‘roared’ when you walked. and they even lit up too. and to make it all worse. this little 18 year old guy, straight out of bootcamp was pitching a tent.

now i was wondering what all of the pretty blue was. and i looked over at the tv. the tv was giving of fthe blue. it was really vivid in my sleep haze. the only thing to counter it were red battle lanterns. they’re just really dim red lights.

on the tv was…. you guessed it. a porno. the blue was coming from a swimming pool. it was on mute so that the airdales wouldn’t be disturbed. the video had the overhead shot of a a swimming pool, and on the diving board was this beautiful brunette. she looke dlike she weighed all of around 130 pounds. and 30 pounds of her were boobs.

the picture was zoomed in to her waist, so that she was laying head to the left, boobs to the right, and the right side of the screen ended at her hips. she had bright red lipstick on, and the mirror sunglasses. they of course were reflecting the bright blue sky. it was a pretty cool picture.

but then, if the sound was turned up, no doubt the cheesey music would have started. because girl, who had previously been motionless started moving. back and forth. her huge boobs shaking left to right. about 10 seconds of this and cagle erupted!

no, not like that!

he jumped up off of the floor, like beavis, and with fists clenched in front of him started yelling, ‘SPANK HER! SPANK HER!’

and i was scarred forever.

the airdales woke up, wanting to know who was getting spanked, and for what. and how a girl got onboard. senior enlisted came out to beat cagle down for waking not just them, but the airdales up as well.

and everyone stopped and stared at girl. it was almost like a fast tennis match. everyones eyes going left to right to left to right to left…….

for the rest of the cruise, fucking was reffered to as ‘spanking’. i still use it from time to time. i even caught officers using the term. and they never knew why……….


  1. … *cough* Now our discussions have taken on a whole new dimension… Err. Oh boy. Now I’m going to second-guess every word that comes out of your mouth. :p

    Comment by moonbatty — March 12, 2006 @ 11:38 am

  2. Dude, this just reaffirms my determination to never be a part of the armed forces. Ever.

    Comment by medium john — March 12, 2006 @ 8:15 pm

  3. Darn squids, lol.

    Comment by The Holywriter — March 13, 2006 @ 1:39 am

  4. I don’t know why I read off of that.

    Also, I don’t think they let women on ships because of their mensruation cycle and the waste it would produce what with sanitary products, etc. Mixed barracks are probably frowned upon in the military as well. Fornication on ships isn’t what the Navy wants, really.

    I’m tired/

    Comment by Jeanna — March 13, 2006 @ 6:30 am

  5. I meant “all of that”. Like I said….tired.

    Comment by jeanna — March 13, 2006 @ 6:31 am

  6. Jeanna, with the new “have only 4 periods a year” pill, I’d think that the amount of waste would be drastically diminished.

    Besides, you can’t tell me that a girl could generate nearly the amount of waste as a bunch of sweaty marines. :p Hell, I shudder at the thought of the amount of toilet paper they must go through.

    Comment by moonbatty — March 13, 2006 @ 12:27 pm

  7. moonbatty, i got a helicopter ride from the monterey to the uss-scott. on the scott they rationed toilet paper to the tune of 1 roll per stall per day.

    women use way more toilet paper. supply clerks can tell you. and did tell me.

    paper wasn’t the issue though. the issue was berthing space. the only problem with women in the open berthing is that you have to have 80-90 of them. on a ship of merely 600 people, that’s roughly 15% and women comprise roughly 10% of the navy. mainly concentrated in a few skills, like corpsmen. and there are usually only 2-3 corpsmen on a ship. 1 per sub.

    so giving the 25 or so girls a full 90 person berthing, and then accordingly crowding the other 55-65 men into other berthings means that toilet facilities are really good for the girls, and even more horrbile for men.

    carriers they do it. 4-6000 people on a carrier is doable. they can assign berthings and bathrooms as female. and they get the same treatment.

    and men don’t go from horrible conditions to even worse.

    Comment by mlah — March 13, 2006 @ 5:35 pm

  8. somehow, this reminds me of you.

    Comment by Jeanna — March 13, 2006 @ 10:17 pm

  9. oh, i can’t believe you just posted that. i’m going to have to post some links on your blog to videos of jeanna like activity.

    Comment by mlah — March 13, 2006 @ 10:49 pm

  10. Ok now that was just hilarious!!!! Part of me is hoping that kid got flogged just because I got so wrapped up in the story…hahahahaha

    Comment by Blondie — March 16, 2006 @ 12:56 pm

  11. this cracked me up

    Comment by KaraMia — March 16, 2006 @ 7:56 pm

  12. MB, your comment about marine usage of TP is waaay off. Once you see the stuff that they give you in MREs you’ll realize that any regular MRE user (like a Marine) can take care of business with three 2 square inch pieces of brown paper bag.

    Comment by jayed — March 19, 2006 @ 4:41 am

  13. ohhh that’s good… love the fact that he had godzilla slippers that roared when he walked… that in combination with the pitched tent… oh what a glorious visual. good story.

    Comment by SeLiNa — May 23, 2006 @ 9:43 pm

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