mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

March 4, 2006

Surgery

Filed under: Humor — mlah @ 12:10 pm

UPDATED WITH PICTURES!

this is going to be a little bit gross. medical gross. and long.

some of y’all that don’t want the heeby jeebie’s, stop reading right now.

you’ve been warned.

when i was getting ready to deploy to submarines for the navy, they sent me through a really detailed physical. i think i’ve mentioned this before.

they diagnosed my hypertension. the doctor who was prescribing medicine to me, watched my blood really closely. i really liked her. she had blood drawn around 3 times a week. i’d have to go to the naval hospital in rota and have blood drawn.

that went on for around a month.

then there was a problem.

a big problem.

she saw a microscopic amopunt of blood in my urine. she reffered me to a urologist to determine the cause. i didn’t like him. he was a butt. no sensitivity, low discretian.

he’s the main reason to this day that i always find a female doctor. i want as little to do with male doctors all you want. call me a sexist all you want. i just don’t care. my doctor here in san antonio is female, i’ll have it no other way.

back to the story.

he did several tests on me. i got the ultrasound of my nads. and a few other things. but the one that showed the problem involved some basic x rays. i think it was called an ivp.

the lay you down on the bray table, make you sign a waiver because 1 in 10000 people who get this liquid injected in them die rapidly from it, then inject around 2 coke cans worth of this glue like crap into you vein.

it was hot and made me taste sour. but that was the only side effect.

the liquid has the effect of being easily recognized by your body as foreign debris, and is dutifully flushed out of your blood by your kidneys. it also has the effect of showing up on x ray really well. so they start taking x rays of your kidneys as soon as they inject you with this crap. like 1 minute, 2, 3, 4, 5, 10, and 20.

but for me, also at 30, 40 50 and an hour.

my left kidney was blocked.

and i said was. so there’s your first clue where this is going. stop reading if you gross out easily.

the ureter (spelling) is the tube that goes from your kidney to your bladder. my left ureter was kinked like a garden hose just under the kidney. it was preventing my kidney from draining. consequently, my left kidney had grown. well not actually the kidney. the area just out of the kidney where your urine drains and the ureter forms is called the kidney pelvis. that had grown. grown enough to hold large amounts of urine that couldn’t pass. it was, and is the same size as my left kidney.

doc wanted to take the kidney.

if that ‘bag’ of urine was full and i had any substantial blunt force trauma to my left kidney, it could easily kill me. nice kidney shot huh?

i didn’t want to lose the kidney. who does?

there were a lot of possible repercussions from this militarily. like a medical discharge. disability. the shame of not fulfilling your enlistment, duty, obligation.

but the doctor agreed to another test. a nuclear test. they could inject me with some radioactive test and irradiate my guts and see how much my left kidney actually did.

i went for that. time to think and all.

so i drove to the ciry of Cadi`z. oldest continually inhabited city in europe. more than 3000 years old. founded by the phonecians. lots of history. and i went to the spanish hospital. a socialized hospital. for the test.

i’ll spare you the goriness i saw in this hospital. this post isn’t about socialized medicine. but i will say that my spanish translator wanted to leave. he wanted to take me to the hospital in Seville instead. it wasn’t as bad. so he claimed. but i was there. i had waited more than 6 hours for this test already and i wanted to get it done.

my translator was unhappy, but we stayed. prospect of rush hour traffic on the way back and all. we stayed.

i got doped up radioactive, and has to sit in front of some nuclear device that measures the rate of blood flow through your kidneys.

results came back, and it turned out that my left kidney does roughly half as much as my right. which is normal.

Doc changed his tune. my left kidney does enough that if for any reason i should lose my good kidney, it would be sufficient to keep me off od dialysis. which is a good thing.

so i got to keep the kidney. he had to clear the ureter though.

now it starts to get a little gross.

the ureter grows in you when you are a fetus. it starts as a line of molecules and then thickens. so it is soild first. then it hollows out as you form, yet unborn. the problem here is that if it is ever damaged (like, by, say a surgery) it tries to gorw back solid. so they have to leave this tube inside your ureter until you heal. 😉 more to come on that.

but first they had to make sure there was only one block. it would really suck to have them cut that kink out, only to discover say 5 or 6 more blocks further down. wouldn’t it?

Me after Surgery

and since my kidney was blocked, the only other way to check it was from the other direction.

so i checked into the hospital the afternoon before the day of my surgery. they had another test to perform at 2 pm. 2 pm came.

me. 6′ 2″ male. i got to put on the hospital gown. they put me on the table.

and this is conscious mind you

then they put your feet in these things the ladies affectionately refer to as stirrups. then the bottom half of the table breaks away.

yeah. it was a gynocologists table.

then they give you this ‘numbing agent’ before they start.

the numbing agent was in a tube. it looked like a tube of neosporin. they cut the tip off of this, then they cram it in the end of your pecker. and squirt the whole tube up your dick.

it was a 2% numbing agent. i very clearly remember hearing 2%.

then the fun begins.

you are cautioned not to ‘clemch up’ as it may cause bleeding.

any of you ever been hunting? know those rods that you use to ram the cloth patched down your barrel to clean it? yeah, just the third of it with a handle. for those of you who haven’t been hunting.

the doc took out a steel rod. oh, around a cm in diameter. the thing is hollow, with a big black handle on it that spins. the thing is hollow so that they can put other things through it. like a telecope.

then they grab your pecker and insert the metal rod.

Me after surgery again

all the way down baby.

careful, don’t clench!

first, he put a telecope in the tube once he was past the length of my dick, and checked my bladder for infections. not part of the procedure he was there to do, but he was there. so he check anyway. that means he pulls that rod around every which way so that he can see your whole bladder. then he told me that the ‘elasticity of the human body amazed him’

then he went in further. yeah, further. don’t clench!

he went to the end of the plugged ureter. and uesed a different hose through the center of the tube, and squirted some of that x ray crap up the other end of the ureter.

let the x rays begin!

oh, i didn’t mention that the gyno table was under the x ray machine? sorry, i left out that detail. had an xray taken with a metal rod crammed up through your bladder to you kidney? i’ve had a bunch!

there was only the one block.

so they let me walk back upstairs to the surgery ward. bastards.

it was 5. at 6 they walked in and gave me a GALLON of laxative to DRINK. my guts had to be empty for the surgery.

i had 4 hours to drink it. co-lyte i think it was called. but the corpsmen called it go-violently.

i pissed blood all night. no exagerration. well, for the next 2 weeks i pissed blood, really.

they knock you out. you wake up. i had a beatles dream. it was full of pretty colors and i was flying around.

when they woke me up, i could see the big military clock over the head of the doc. it was nearly 4. star trek came on at 4. i wanted to go watch, after my dry heaves, and coughing fit. the coughing fit turned out to be a blessing. cleared my lungs of the anesthesia.

i have a nice 12-15 inch scar on my left side, with another 1-2 inch scar underneath. want to see?

time went on.

6 weeks later. i only had two more things left. they had to remove that tube inside my ureter, and had to do that initial test to make sure urine could in fact pass my left ureter.

take out the tube? that’s really, pass the tube.

i again got the gyno table. the numbing agent. the steel rod with a little clampy thing inside to pull the tube out. i still have it.

i am one of the very few males most of you will ver know who has had the displeasure of sitting in the gynocologists chair. stirrups and all.

quit your whining!

8 Comments »

  1. Wait…were you awake for all of this?!

    Comment by The Holywriter — March 5, 2006 @ 1:29 am

  2. i wasn’t awake for the actual surgery, but i was for all of the rest of it.

    Comment by mlah — March 5, 2006 @ 1:00 pm

  3. You are one brave man!!! Wow!!

    I know the stirrups… Being that I’m a chick and get to go to the gyno!! I too prefer female doctors… especially in the nether regions… I dunno, is that weird?! I feel better knowing that there’s no sexual thoughts going on during my gynocological experience. That’d just be weird… You hear stories of gyno dr’s getting it on with their patients… And really, I mean, why do men get into the field of gynocology in the first place?! Come on… To see some punani… Yeah.

    Comment by SeLiNa — March 5, 2006 @ 11:03 pm

  4. My dad had that procedure in the early 70’s. It was new then. He passed the tube. No lube, no numbing agent, just standing in the hospital bathroom with surgical tubing coming out your pecker.

    Comment by og — March 5, 2006 @ 11:59 pm

  5. Eeeeeuuuwwwwwww!

    Comment by trick_shot_f-in_cheney — March 7, 2006 @ 2:13 am

  6. I was sort of hoping for more interesting pictures. I mean. With the pecker talk, and all.

    Comment by moonbatty — March 7, 2006 @ 1:23 pm

  7. Holy crap!!!!
    Man, I hope that is the last of that problem for you, bro!
    You have my sympathies and prayers.

    Comment by jimmyb — March 12, 2006 @ 1:01 pm

  8. Yikes…still probably not quite as bad as childbirth, but you still have my sympathy.

    Comment by Blondie — March 16, 2006 @ 1:01 pm

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