mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

February 8, 2006


Filed under: Humor — mlah @ 4:26 pm


the night was sultry.

i had been ordered into the pampas to locate and liquidate my mark, the locally famous el gato. problem was, elgato was tired of speaking welsh, and wanted to make his debut on the international stage. he had taken to trafficking in human cargo.

unlike the typical slavers who trafficked in people, shipping them in cattle cars, semi-trailers, or the holds of merchant vessels, el gato was luring young ladies away from kiev with promises of lipstick and gum. the ukraine is having a few shortages it seems.

once they were safely off of the plane in buenos aires, el gato would pick them up in his personal stretch limo. drive them to his hotel next to the beach and steal their passports.

normally i don’t share who is paying for the hit, but as she is integral to the story, i’ll share her initials. the contractor’s initials are madame butterfly. she was the madame of a not so nice hotel in the employ of elgato. his dream of an international chain of brothels in shopping malls all across the world was about to come to a rude ending. (nobody ever said he was bright)

elgato was a little rough with his girls. and a few of them had decided the ownership needed to change.


madame butterfly was staging a coup, and i was the instrument of her vengeance.

now, madame butterfly had done her homework and had secretly recruited a few of the key girls to help her. the rest of the ‘ukrainian’ staff would continue to ‘labor’.

so madame butterfly had first spoken to jenna. jenna was the house enforcer. whenever a new kiev girl refused to perform her duties, jenna would be sent in to pursuade her. and God help the customer who couldn’t find his wallet. madame buttefly needed muscle, and she knew where to get it. i still had to be careful. one slip up and jenna would pursuade me to take a dirt nap. girl has to pay her bills. and she was playing both sides of the fenceit seems.

she also spoke to queso. queso was a quiet little girl who doubled not only as an oil girl, but also managed the hotels books. she paid the bills and acquired the staples that made a hotel of this type function. but most importantly, she knew who needed to be calmed down in the police department. which palms needed to be greased so to speak.

after elgato lost his 9th life, the detectives would need a reason to look elsewhere than the hotel. queso could make this happen.

finding the mark was easy.

i just went to the hotel and played the time honored role of stupid american tourist. and ‘what on earth have i stumbled into’


sucker. elgato never doubted me. he sat there on the couch in the foyer with his shotgun in one hand and a redhead in the other.

i strolled up to the bar and waited for my opportunity. then i was to collect my 10k dollars and leave.

but my ‘shot’ never came. there i sat. watching elgato in the mirror. jenna watching me. madame butterfly watching elgato. queso watching the money.

and time drug on.

now, with me a single man. sitting there in the bar of a chicken ranch chock full of nekkid slavic girls in argentina. doing nothing. i was beginning to draw attention.

so i had to allow a girl to sit next to me. and i ONLY allowed it because my life was in danger. God knows i would never do anything like this on my own.

so this tall skinny girl sat next to me. she had the same accent russian girls have which she used to introduce herself as syrah. i looked at her in the mirror and realized she was 100 percent nude.

which is always a good thing. (for attractive girls with big boobs)

so i reluctantly decided to chat with her for a minute or two.

we talked and eventually i got out of her that her real name was irina. she had been kidnapped in Omsk by the russian mob at the age of 15 and sold to a brothel in minsk. and subsequently sold to elgato.

she reportedly fetched quite a high price too, as she really seemed to enjoy her vocation and threw herself into it with a reckless abandon.


elgato was beginning to notice me. which was not a good thing. my mugshot was on posters for interpol the world over. 1 million dollar reward! for information leading to the capture of jesse swanson.

so i quickly paid queso the 4 packs of wrigleys it required to get a room for the night.

irina/syrah and myself relocated upstairs to her domain.

she very quickly and skillfully removed my clothing. when she saw my gun she grew afraid, because she new there would be pain that night. but i assured her i would be gentle.

so she massaged me with her boobs! i don’t know how. she just did it. it was the most wonderful thing.

i heard elgato leave in his limo while i was very patiently enduring the massage.

and i weighed my options.

i decided to wait out the night, and go sightseeing in the morning. like a stupid american tourist would. then hit elgato tomorrow night.

surely he would make a mistake and i could fulfill my mission.


but elgato was smarter than he looked. keeping himself surrounded with employees who madame butterfly had expressly forbidden me from dispatching as collateral damage. and jenna was always ready to take matters into her own hands.

so the second night went the same as the first. i tried to talk to a second girl but irina would have none of it. i think she was just a little nuts for guns to tell you the truth.

so the second night was spent the same as the first. i had to patiently tolerate a boob massage from irina. i got through it though. ๐Ÿ˜‰ i paid her her usual fee of juicy fruit and dentyne. and she would smile and ask for more.

but i had a mission.

3rd night. same as the first two. i’m really curious how she had that much control over her boobs. do any of you girl readers out there have this same level of control?

4th night elgato slipped. he got drunk. i put a pencil through his right eye and ran for the door. i’d settle with the madame later.

jenna was not happy as he was in the process of disbursing bonus’ at the time and she had yet to receive hers.

i hit the door in a full sprint. went down the staircase and never looked back. i could hear jenna giving chase, but i’m just that fast!

i booked passage on a cruise liner next day to cozumel. wired the madame for payment and considered the issue closed.

i could not have been more wrong. now i find out that the ‘salvator’ hotel has opened a franchise in nyc. jenna is still looking to plant me as she is afraid i’ll tell the argentine mob who ordered the hit.

i’m going to have to make a trip up there. i’ll post the reults when i get back.

she massaged me with her boobs!


UPDATE: irina has published her own version of how we met here


  1. Creative. You could come up with some sequels. Big money in sequels.

    Comment by medium john — February 9, 2006 @ 12:52 am

  2. oh, the sequels are coming.

    Comment by mlah — February 9, 2006 @ 1:01 am

  3. Mlah must have been drunk. ๐Ÿ˜‰ The real tale is here:

    Comment by Irina — February 9, 2006 @ 8:04 am

  4. Wait until I open my place here in…uh…wherever the hell it is I am!

    That’s right. And I’ll continue to demand packs of gum.

    All my girls have fresh breath!

    Comment by Madame Butterfly — February 9, 2006 @ 10:19 am

  5. I’ll be your first client! I want a boob massage!

    Comment by medium john — February 9, 2006 @ 12:39 pm

  6. You can’t afford my girls!

    Comment by Madame Butterfly — February 9, 2006 @ 11:30 pm

  7. afford your girls? they work for gum!

    but we don’t want your girls….. we want you!

    Comment by mlah — February 10, 2006 @ 1:37 am

  8. No offense to madame, but I want the girls. I’ll get me a pack of juicy fruit and be right over.

    Comment by medium john — February 10, 2006 @ 3:57 pm

  9. A pack of gum? As in one? Uno? Einz?


    Thanks, I needed that!


    Comment by Madame Butterfly — February 10, 2006 @ 9:47 pm

  10. Sorry Medium John, I only sleep with Big Johns….

    (The joke had to be made.)

    Comment by Irina — February 10, 2006 @ 10:15 pm

  11. and finally the gloves come off. i knew they would sooner or later!

    Comment by mlah — February 10, 2006 @ 11:36 pm

  12. Bahahahahahah

    How about now?

    Comment by slightly larger than medium john — February 11, 2006 @ 12:53 am

  13. i dont understand what’s going on.

    Ummmmmmm ok.

    Comment by Jeanna — February 11, 2006 @ 8:09 pm

  14. BTW Mlah, you still owe me $1.98 for that mechanical pencil. You told me you needed it for the crossword in the newspaper when I dropped you off at the airport for your flight to Argentina.

    Comment by yup — February 15, 2006 @ 5:27 am

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