mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

November 20, 2005

TexMex in Turkey

Filed under: Humor — mlah @ 10:36 pm

nice try mark.

i like the way you threw out the disagreement and then immediately try to not let me answer by demanding a drinking story.

didn’t want to let me repsond huh? typical tactic of the left. state their position as fact and then change the subject in a simple attempt to convince people by allowing no dissenting voices be heard.

your socialized medicine program ‘seems to work’. at HUGE cost. even f-in cheney laments the money spent on VA hospitals. communist that he is. socialized medicine and all. although i think he really is upset that he would actually be required to show balls and sign on the dotted line to qualify himself.

fat chance.

so here’s your f-in drinking story. kram.


above is scooby and radio persoanlity ‘diane’, from the dc area radio show ‘elliott in the morning’.

now the story, and i’m taking a little artisitic license with this one ….. as i was not actually there.

there’s this guy who’s a friend of mine. no, not jesse swanson. this guy’s initials are john scibona. but i just call him scooby.

scooby gets a port visit off of a submarine in turkey.

have any of my drinking stories involved turkey yet? i’ve got some of my own and am going to have to check and see if i’ve already posted them or not.

scooby goes out in izmir.

izmir is the ancient greek city of smyrna. it’s on the western side of turkey in a constricted bay. i say constricted because i HAVE been to izmir. and the constriction keeps the raw sewage the turks dump in the ocean from going anywhere. nasty bay. but at night the city is beautiful. i’m going to have to dig out some pics.

scooby gets off of a boat and goes out drinking in izmir.

and like most sailors. when liberty time calls, you head out into town with your coworkers. rarely will you check out on liberty with someone from a different department onboard. just the way it works out.

scooby worked in radio. just like i did in the three subs i’ve served on.

so he checked out on liberty with this guy from michigan named mike and another whose initials are tex. i really don’t know any other name for him than tex. mike was an asshole. and they all worked together in radio.

scooby and tex had a secret mission to get mike drunk, and leave him naked and passed out. in the middle of izmir.

mike was just a seedy ass. everyone onboard hated him. they didn’t figure too many questions would be asked if mike did something stupid. mike was like that.


above is the dutch sub ‘bruinvis’ or brownfish. i served onboard for a month and a half or so. i’m not in the pic. good sub, great crew. i still talk to some of those guys and have a standing invitation to den helder. i’ve been promised to see the ‘real’ amsterdam.

back to the story.

so they hit the bars in izmir. and you have to keep in mind, all of the forbidden ‘vice’ (qoranic) is put into the same little places in the muslim world. everything that is considered a sin, is sold in the same places. and yes, having been to izmir, i’m speaking from experience. when a sailor gets in a cab and says ‘i want beer’, well, they take you where alcohol is sold.

in this case, it was a lovely establishment advertised as a casino. seems like they are all billed as a casino, but you’re not gambling with money at these casinos.

booze is a vice. so is gambling. so are drugs. and prostitution. all under one roof. but i never saw any gambling.

they hit a bar. and got directed upstairs. signs were painted in freehand in redpaint. with a red light of course. so it was hard to find. but they kept going upstairs like the shoddy paintjob said, and they eventually made it to the top of this building where they sold booze. …. plus.

mike is back behind the bar inside of 10 minutes. he was like a fish in water. the seedy little turkish hoods running the place were like brothers to him. so tex and scooby couldn’t leave him drunk and naked….. but they figured ‘what the hell. we at least have beer, so not all is lost’.

y’all just don’t know how much you miss things like beer, and WOMEN when you are deprived.

i’m not talking about dsb. there ain’t no chicks on a sub. but there are in seedy little bars in turkey. usually russian or romanian. from personal experience anyway. it’s a whole different ballgame when you haven’t even seen a girl in a month and a half.

the girls in this bar were russian. and the proprietors were getting upset that none of the sailors wanted any company. scooby and tex compromised by ordering more beer, and dinner.

now i’ve eaten dinner in turkey. and i didn’t have a problem. but i went to restaurants. scooby and tex were ordering texmex from a seedy little pleasure bar in turkey.

it didn’t take long. tex was ok. i like to think our constitutions just make us immune to the more violent things associated with mexican food.

scooby is from south dakota.

he had about 10 minutes.

he had to gooooooo! and in a bad way.

so there he is. in nasty seedy boystown in turkey, and he has to go. and he has to go RIGHT NOW!

so he finds out where the bathroom is. it’s in the basement, he goes (amid fears of being mugged).

have y’all heard about bathrooms in turkey? they’re filthy nasty holes. literally.

imagine a shower stall. with no shower head, and the drain is around 5 inches in diameter. but no metal over the drain. it’s just a 5 inch hole. and full of shit.

the shower floor is also shit covered as people stand further and further from the hole, so they don’t have to touch it. just imagine some filthy nasty fat turkish guy, squatting and trying to get a little body english going to aim his crap at a hole. and missing.

that’s what the floor in a turkish bathroom looks like.

scooby had to actually take his pants and underwear off so that he could straddle the thing and hovershit.

and it was a nasty smelly liquid beer texmex hovershit.

and here comes the kicker. NO toiletpaper.

so he’s hovering there, considering his options, which mainly involved using his tighty whitey’s when he noticed something rather odd.

one of the walls in his stall was a collapsable door.

he opened it to discover a closet. and there. first thing was a beautiful cashmere sweater.

so he hung it back up after he striped it. gave it a nice presentation and all. put his pants back on, grabbed tex and fled the scene.

they left mike there.

and scooby’s concluding point?

softest toilet paper ever!

1 Comment »

  1. Hmmm… names changed to protect the innocent huh? I’m gonna have to retell the story sometime to condemn the guilty….

    BTW, cashmere rocks! I now have a 2700 dollar a month habit!

    Comment by Scooby — December 1, 2005 @ 12:13 am

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