mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

September 27, 2005


Filed under: Sea Stories — mlah @ 5:04 pm

stop reading now if you’re young, or if you aren’t interested in a little blue humor.

Helene and Haggus

this one time, jesse was so drunk!

well, jesse swanson was present in this story, but it’s not mainly about him

so i had this really good friend in spain who i won’t name this time. he lives in austin now and i still see him for a beer every now and again. he’s married and doing well. now, like i said, i won’t name him. but his initials are jason hagman.

now you have to understand about the sofa in spain.

no, not a couch. a sofa is a ‘status of forces agreement’. it basically is an agreement between two couintries in advance regulating how things will be conducted if certain problems arise. it also dictates certain other things. like crime commited by u.s. military members.

our sofa with spain, while i was in rota, dictated things like how much the u.s. pays for the right to use the base. it dictated how many people we can station there, erection of buildings and such.

and that is kind of applicable to this story.

spain made the u.s. agree to employ 2 spaniards for every 3 americans ‘sponsored’ by the u.s.. what that means is that for every sailor, marine, dependant wife, child et cetera. the u.s. had to count them all out, divide the total by 3, and multiply by two. that many spaniards had to be employed.

i won’t even get started on the crazy pay scale crap they had going on too. this post isn’t about all that. i’m just laying future groundwork.

the end result was that the military liked to station single military people there. if i had a wife and 7 kids (OMFG) and the navy stationed me in rota, the navy would have had to employ 6 spaniards on base. and i would only fill one billet for the navy.

fill all of the military positions, called billets, on base with sailors who had loads of dependants. and the navy had to PAY! at least, that’s what the common rumor being floated around rota said. i could be wrong, but i don’t think so.

Orla drinks a penalty shot

so the navy had to figure how to make single sailors WANT to stay in rota.

married people got all of these little perks like a house. a married sailor (e3) with a wife would get a nice american style house. with american electricity (ac/dc). on base.

a single sailor with twice the rank had to stay in a barracks room. with inspections. not allowed to have overnight guests. or alcohol. quiet hours. and the barracks was crappy.

and yeah, you usually had a room mate too.

closer to the story, i promise.

the navy decided to increase our standards of living by giving us better living quarters. so they started renovating all of the barracks rooms. and tried to decrease the number of people in a room.

it went from 3 people per room to 2, 9 months after i got there. which means only one roommate instead of two.

this meant immediately, that they could house fewer people. they didn’t want to build new buildings, because the sofa made it soooo expensive to build, and they would have had to hire more spaniards too. end result was that it was actually CHEAPER for the navy to pay us large sums of money, to go out and rent a place to live in town. but they would only pay for our rent. so we naturally rented the biggest gaudiest places we could find.

i got to move out into town. i was recently promoted to e4, and they decided to keep the lowest ranks in the barracks, and to push the rest of us out.

the apartment i got my first tour in rota was a little 3 bedroom number. with marble floors. (oh yeah! i can hear gus spinning now). thenavy paid for it of course.

a bunch of us got to move out into town.

jesse swanson moved out into town before me. he got to rota before i did, so it was right.

so did hagman.

Myself and Claire

there was a big group of us out there who modeled our lives on a philosophy we called twawsi. the world as we see it. i’ve written about it before. so i won’t go into it too much here, except to note that there was also twatsi. the world as’ they’ see it.

are y’all ready for the humorous part yet?

we had all that extra space! everyone had extra rooms.

jesse actually rented an apartment, put his girlfriend in it, and moved in with hagman. in fact, i think there were 4 people living in that house at one time. 3 people paying. imagine the size.

it was a pretty big row home with 4 rooms and a huge basement.

hagman lived in the basement.

we called this domicile the twawsi house. there were several evolutions of the twawsi house. this was the third. and best. think of a fraternity house. except that 18 year olds could drink.

have i mentioned before that irish and english girls were fond of vacationing in rota? and that they would often get employmeny as bartenders for the summer? good upstanding college girls now. they’d come to rota and eek out just enough money to make a living for the summer. drink all they could, and go home for the next school year.

kind of a euro spring break. except it was summer. and long.

summer came. and the twawsi house decided to put up a couple of irish girls for the summer. 4 of them actually. i was looking to put 2 up myself, but the girls in question were all friends and wanted to stay together. oh well.

so there we were.

living it up.

killing our livers.

with irish girls helping us.

this one day. jason hagman was on watch. i’ll call him haggus from here on out. (and i’m sure jesse was so drunk)

the rest of us were at the twawsi house.

watching porn. with irish girls. and drinking.

and jason came home. still in his uniform (dungarees. think prison uniform). and heard the grunting and groaning, and a lot of heavy breathing coming from the living room. so he snuck up the stairs to the door and jumped into the living room trying to be like a cat.

still clothed. i know what y’all were thinking! bad readers!

cause you just never knew what was happening in that house!

only to see 4 irish girls and 5-6 guys squished up in the tiny living room watching the tv. which was making all of the noise.

it was porno. and at that moment,

quit reading if you must. quit reading now!

there was a closeup of the deed.

all you could see was penis. now you see it. now you don’t

now you see it. now you don’t.

you get the idea.

the tv was up against the wall where jason was standing so he couldn’t see the picture. he could only hear. so he peered around the entertainment center and saw it. then he didn’t.

then he saw it again, then he didn’t.

and then haggus said

“Hey! That’s Ron Jeremy!”

and silence fell over the room.

except for the porno of course.

finally little helene, i think it was her, picked up the remote, paused the porno, and looked square at haggus.

she then asked in her pretty little irish lilt.

“So Jay, you can ID a man just by seein his ‘willie’ can ya?”

and then the shit started. we dogged him out for a month!

and you thought that ‘haggus’ was a nickname we gave him based on his name!

soon to come, The 100 Beer Club!


  1. Great story. Keep em coming.

    Comment by al — September 27, 2005 @ 8:48 pm

  2. LMFAO!!!! you are too much…

    Comment by CT — September 28, 2005 @ 12:20 am

  3. Mmmm, marble…

    Comment by f-in_cheney — September 28, 2005 @ 1:41 am

  4. Wow, what a change from when I first met you and Jason. You remember those days, when you kept having us all pile into yours and Jason’s room to watch “this great new TV show” called Beverly Hills 90210?

    Comment by yup — September 28, 2005 @ 3:11 am

  5. hahaha!!!! Man, you need more pictures. And, i can’t see the ones you have!

    Comment by og — September 30, 2005 @ 11:55 am

  6. Dayum! Even I can’t ID a man by his penis…well, not yet anyway. LOL 😉

    Comment by Blondie — October 4, 2005 @ 6:56 am

  7. I think I was drunk. I remember that…sort of.

    – Jesse –

    Comment by JS — June 19, 2006 @ 11:59 pm

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