mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

June 16, 2005

Toilet Paper

Filed under: Sea Stories — mlah @ 11:21 pm

this is another story about toilet paper.

in a way.

this one time, jesse was sooooooo drunk!

whilst in rota, we drank too much. and during the late afternoon, while we were recovering, we would relive our exploits, for the newly arrived.

then one day someone noticed that virtually all of our drinking sotries began with:

this one time, jesse was sooooooo drunk!

jesse swanson. he’s vain. he’ll serach for himself soneday in google and find this post, mark my words.

this is the kind of guy, we would be driving to base. four of us including jesse, who was in the backseat of the little orange ford fiesta and we would pass some really hot spanish girl on the sidewalk. and of course all four of us would stare.

and they would usually stare back. the spainsh girls were like that.

but after passing, and some knowing nods to and from each other, jesse would proudly, and seriously comment, ‘hey, did you see that chick? she was totally staring at my dick’

this coming from a guy sitting down in the back seat.

yeah, we gave jesse shit.

this one time, jesse was sooooooo drunk!

and we were at roger leikness’ house. drinking. as way too usual. but it was well past 11 pm, so it was finally time to hit the bars. we took the shortcut to the road next to the beach. jesse had to stop and pee on one of the big community trash cans. we kept walking and jesse was upset that we wouldn’t wait for him.

so he chased us, except that he hadn’t quite finished, or pulled up his shorts just yet. so there he was running down this little alley, with little jesse still in hand, peeing all over himself.

‘hey jesse, see those spanish girls? they were trying to stare at your dick!’

yeah there were other people in the alley who saw. but what did we care? we were immortal.

Jason Hagman does a beer bong at Boar's Breath

we drank in boars breath served up by a couple of irish girls named niamh (pronounced neve) and michelle. they were cool. lou the felon ran the place. we drank, threw darts, and tried to hit on spanish girls. jesse played checker shots.

yeah, 12 shots on each side of the board, and a king is a shot of crown royal. and when someone jumps three of your men, the dreaded triple jump, drink up!

then we left and started venturing ‘uptown’. before we got to the busy spanish bar section, jesse had to pee again. but we were next to a major street this time. and there were skads of pedestrians.

what did jesse care? he hopped a little wal into some poor spaniards veranda. got in the corner and let go. but you see, the thing is, the old spaniard was sitting at his table looking right at jesse. he started yelling as soon as jesse got comfortable.

heard that richard pryor thing about men not being able to stop mid stream? it is sooooo true.

jesse did this pretty little vault over the cinder block wall back onto the sidewalk. but jesse was soooo drunk, his front leg just didn’t quite make it high enough. he cracked that knee on the pavement sooooo hard. i think john russell said it best, ‘that’s gonna leave a mark’

we picked up pissy jesse and continued uptown.

when we got to the redlight district, which were these four real shitty bars on the left side of the road, jason and i ran by, and hurled verbal abuse in arabic. seems most of the ‘girls’ there were moroccan. we were running because we knew the beer bottles would soon be flying our way. a little danger during our soire’s was always fun!

Myself, Helene and Floyd Cleary

that brought us uptown. there were a few girls i was in a hurry to see.

we had a few drinks in california’s. and jesse shot the rag (a very soon post, i promise), then we finally made it over to guay’s.

we had drinks. and i’m sure we shared another pitcher of kamekazi’s, leading to someone else shooting the rag….. probably me.

and jesse had to go to the bathroom again. but lets say he needed a little more privacy this time. and we were safe because we were in a bar.

or so we thought.

the male bathroom in bar guays…..

quick sidenote. for everyone reading this who was in rota, i understand that that whole little strip of bars has been plowed under! they’re building some nice little high rises right there. no repsect for history i tell you! they just plowed those bars under.

this one time, jesse was sooooooo drunk!

and he had to make use of the facilities in guays. they consisted of a wall, with a drain at the bottom for the rental beer to be returned. and a comode, with the toilet seat ripped off of it. because nobody ever used it anyway. except when all places at the wall were full. so it was FUNK nasty!

jesse used it.

and THEN he discovered there was no toilet paper.

stupid bastard.

everyone knows this is a ‘sea story’ right? meaning that i was in the navy? and you can all assume that all of the other mentioned males were as well. at one time or another.

we all went through boot camp. and we all stenciled our skivvies.

jesse used an ink stamp to stencil his skivvies. he just stamped his name all over his drawers. and i know this how?

but there he was, in bar guays. in the funk nasty toilet closet. jeans and drawers around his ankles. and no toilet paper.

what to do, oh what to do!

he was actually proud of his ingenuity. how he got himself out of that jam without going arab and wiping his butt with his dooty hand. he had actually solved the problem in his drunken, limping state, and emrged from the bathroom proud of himself.

until someone found his shitty drawers in the bathroom. plentitude of racing stripes all over them.

whoever it was hung those things from a light in the main part of the bar. and they had swanson stenciled all over them.

‘hey jesse, you forgot your underwear!’

in the afternoon, when we woke up and began to prepare for another night of binge drinking, swanson immediately grabbed his knee and asked,

‘hey, anyone know what happened to my leg’?

we all just laughed.


  1. Jesse’s going to love this story! I’ve got a friend with almost the equivalent story, but I can’t retell it for him, as I am nowhere near as funny. This is great! Just the pick me up I needed! You know that stuff never happens to girls, right?

    Comment by Alex — June 17, 2005 @ 1:14 am

  2. i’ve seen it happen to girls too. it’s just not funny when it’s some girl.

    Comment by mlah — June 17, 2005 @ 7:21 am

  3. man, i am sooo glad i never went drinking with you man. i probably would’ve ended up in some similar situation. but then again, i’m just glad the poor bastard didn’t remember a thing.

    Comment by medium john — June 17, 2005 @ 12:28 pm

  4. oh, we reminded him. and kept on reminding him.

    Comment by mlah — June 17, 2005 @ 6:49 pm

  5. I had forgotten about Jesse. Thanks for the reminder.

    Comment by Jason — June 18, 2005 @ 6:15 am

  6. It happens. I remember that night, all up until we played Shot Checkers, (Shot Checkers, not checker shots), and a little after. Anyway, the running while taking a piss…true. Spaniard yelling at me while doing the dirt on his yard? Probably true…I seem to have a faint memory of that. “Cleaning up”, utilizing my Tighty whities…true to a point. I think hey were mlah’s although that was his maiden name. That has probably changed…I am sure wherever he resides, those types of marriages are legal.
    – Jesse

    Comment by Jesse — July 13, 2005 @ 9:26 pm

  7. so jesse rears his ugly head?!

    so you found this site through a vanity search?

    Comment by mlah — July 13, 2005 @ 9:46 pm

  8. No…you were incorrect on that one (among others). A search was done on another item that brought up the shooting the rag story. Then we saw the search on your main part of your muslim page and did the search for all the TWAWSI members. Found the toilet paper story…I seem to recall the knee hurting, though.

    Comment by Jesse — July 14, 2005 @ 11:37 am

  9. Thank God I didn’t have to clean the mens Jacks. we used to leave taht to Carmello – xxx Eggers Elga Guays 1991

    Comment by elga — May 10, 2007 @ 6:39 pm

  10. Another Irish lass – Any word from Simone???

    Comment by elga — May 10, 2007 @ 6:40 pm

  11. I worked at Guay’s and part of our extensive training specifically included, “Don’t put bogroll in the men’s restroom”! They told me y’all would just piss all over it.

    Comment by Vanessa — January 31, 2010 @ 12:05 am

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