mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

February 5, 2005


Filed under: Humor — mlah @ 10:11 pm

so i got the call last night.

a friend named mark needed help moving.

i refer you to a recent post detailing my cracked ribs. but i’m feeling a lot better. but ya know. if you ever want or need help like this, you have to render it. so i went. mark knew fully well about the status of my ribcage. and everyone there understood i was doing really more than i should. and i didn’t really do that much anyway. guard the trucks, carry light items.

but this isn’t really a post about lugging crap around.

warning: language gets a bit graphic.

i was a little late. mark, todd, carl, and heather (mark’s beautiful san antonio spurs cheerleader wife) had already made one trip.

heather stayed at the new apartment while we went to get the last load.

so we’re standing in the ‘old’ apartment, just the four of us guys, and of course we started shooting the shit, instead of working.

we did a little packing. and discovered a little this and a little of that.

mainly m&m’s. a whole huge pack of those peanut m&m’s.

todd started throwing fritos around the apartment randomly. just to entertain myself and carl. it was funny watching and listening to mark talk shit about fritos, as he bent over to pick them up. only to see an entire handful fly over him as he was still bent over.

wrestling ensued.

but the fritos didn’t last long. i think they got packed. along with the rest of the trash that got randomly dispersed among various boxes.

guys will be guys.

so we opened the m&m’s

yeah, this is a long post. go get a drink and settle in.

and we all had a handful or two.

then they started appearing around the carpet randomly.

more wrestling ensued. then someone threw an m&m at someone else. probably todd. m&m went back. they were soon flying around the apartment. then the entire 1/2 pound bag was emptied in the air for a grenade effect.

it was on.

i was standing by the balcony door, todd was in the kitchen, mark was in the hall. todd was throwing at everyone and it upset me. but then he turned around to wing some more projectiles at mark.

now for some unknown reason, i had an umbrella in my hand. todd was only a few feet away, facing the other direction. mark was trying punch him. he gave him a nice little frog on the leg. but remember, he was facing away from me. so being the vindictive little bastard that i am, i poked him with the umbrella. and where do you think i poked him?

so todd is really freaking out because he got frogged on his leg, and somehow, it really made his asshole hurt. so he went after mark again. and i poked again. but we weren’t quite as well coordinated this time, and the frog and goose happened at different times.

he wasn’t happy.

things cooled down a bit, as we laughed and recounted what we had just done to each other.

we ventured out onto the balcony for some cooler air.

now, mark’s ‘old’ apartment overlooked a nice little clearing. complete with the complex’s volleyball court. it was dark outside. it was around 7:30, and 4-5 kids were playing an improvised little game of army.

they had bb pistols. some were pistols, some were shaped likr uzi’s. and they were shooting the crap out of each other. it was ok though. they were only plastic bb’s.

so we watched them.

and one got kind of close. he was hiding in some trees near the balcony.

so todd started throwing m&m’s at him. on the sly of course. poor little kid is looking around wondering what the hell is landing around him and where is it coming from? and then he clued in. those old bastards were throwing stuff at him! and we were all standing up on the balcony, with stupid looks on our faces, going ‘what?’.

as if he didn’t know.

so we packed some more.

and then went back out on the balcony.

all 5 of those little bastards (they were around 8-10 years old) were in those same trees! m&m’s flew. kids ran. it’s quite a rush to play army again!

the kids regrouped at the far end of the volleyball court. one of them said some such crap about us not being able to hit them from the balcony. todd went to get mark’s little training accessory. it’s not real, but looks and weighs the same as an m-16. he snuck out on the balcony with the rifle behind his back. the little hellions heckled us from afar. more crap about it being too far…. so todd whipped up the dummy rifle as he yelled something along the lines of ‘having the range now.’

y’all ever seen 5 little kids scatter? i think they dropped loads.

so then they figured out that the rifle was bogus. and they recongregated around the volleyball court.

and to my amazement, todd was soon sprinting across the courtyard after those little bastards. i couldn’t believe the potty mouths on them. i actually heard some little 9 year old exclaim ‘holy shit, he’s really coming for us!’

they scattered again. and we kind of mellowed.

and then it got nasty.

they got reinforcements. 5 more little boys and one girl arrived on the scene. the girl was a little older. maybe 12. and she kind of tried to be better than everyone. a real little miss smarty pants.

they congregated under the trees again. all eleven of them.

one asked if it was ok for them to shoot at us. i responded with a somewhat lame attempt at being responsible and said it would be, but they might break a window. carl of course said to go ahead.

what could one little kid with a plastic bb pistol do?

as soon as carl said to go ahead, 11 little bastards turned into chow yun fat, and a whole aresenal of little bb shooters came up and started shooting. it sounded like it was raining! and those little things hurt!

we were out of m&ms. so various things found themselves airborne. the kids were incredulous at our ‘top ramen’ artillery. yeah, they ran. again.

i think we threw persimmons, and a potato as well. one kid took a potato to the chest. yes, we checked to make sure he was ok before resuming our barrage. oh, and someone threw a mop.

have you ever seen absolute glee on two grown men’s faces as they exclaim ‘center body mass’ and high five? i have.

you know those crappy little plastic bags you get when you buy something? they hold water pretty well.

little miss smarty pants got a good look at her future as she was pelted with one. enough with the hate mail for that! it was an area attack, and they are not easy to aim. it was a lucky shot.

and then things simmered down again. although the little ‘clink’ of plastic bbs was near continuous on our windows.

so we started packing again. and reliving the highlights of our triumph over the mongol horde.

and then a hand fell on the door. we all shutup immediately at the sound of the knock on the door. we were all thinking, ‘oh shit, parents? police?’ mark crept over to look out the peephole. and there was the least likely thing he expected to see.

a little girl.

miss smarty pants had actually come up and rang our doorbell. todd opened the door. big mistake. bb’s ricocheted off of the door and were bouncing all over the apartment.

we were locked in! for an hour we battled these little hellions. we even launched a two prong ambush around different buildings.

todd managed to steal a bb pistol form one of our assailants, but shot mark in the leg with it. a little friendly fire.

cups of water were our main weapons. and towards the end, the development that sealed our victory was the advent of the umbrella. i kind of stayed out of most of the actual launching of water cups, except for the fact that i was filling them and handing them out.

y’all know how those stairways doubleback at apartments? 3 little bastards were trying to go down the stairs when todd caught them from above. he said it was like the three stooges. all three trying push each other out of the way. 2 giant cupfulls of water brought them back to earth.

the very same umbrella i had so carefully prodded todd with earlier proved to be an awesome shield against those little bbs. the first time it opened up, you saw a bunch of little eyes go wide. test shots were fired. visual inspection of the bb deflection finally discouraged the north villa hellions and made our victory unavoidable.

when was the last time you were ten? how long would it take y’all to beat back a determined attack by armed and dangerous little bastards?

i’m going to wal mart to buy me one of those little guns.


  1. wow, man. How recent was this? I didn’t know parents would still buy their kids bb guns. They’re all pansies now and if they get caught with them at school, they get expelled. But it sounds to me like you did the right thing. I mean, i would totally beat the crap out of little kids if given the chance. Lucky bastard.

    Comment by medium john — February 6, 2005 @ 10:01 am

  2. this was friday. 2 days ago. i’m worried now because the same people are all coming over to my house for the super bowl.

    and remember, i’m in texas. bb guns? of course! .22? he’ll have to wait til he’s 12. same time i got my first .22

    Comment by mlah — February 6, 2005 @ 11:26 am

  3. that scares me.

    Comment by medium john — February 6, 2005 @ 2:04 pm

  4. OMG….I don’t know what to say….I’m speechless!

    Comment by Madame Butterfly — February 7, 2005 @ 4:15 pm

  5. you’re gonna put your eye out…

    Comment by Mark — February 11, 2005 @ 11:11 pm

  6. Maybe it’s because I don’t have kids but that has got to be the funniest thing I’ve seen all day.

    Comment by rachel — February 13, 2005 @ 8:35 pm

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