mlah The “culture” that has evolved here isn’t conducive to sissies

June 22, 2004

Power Drinking

Filed under: Women — mlah @ 9:22 pm

This girl is lucky to have her clothes

in college, i pledged phi gamma delta. that’s right. i’m a fiji. i pledged the phi tau chapter of phi gamma delta at the university of texas at arlington.

recently, a couple of young ladies i work out with have started coming of age. i have given them the speech. not the mom or dad speech. the drunk fraternity guy, trying to get in their pants speech. the drunken sailor speech.

i fully disclosed some of the strategies we used to facilitate the removal of female articles of clothing. they need to be prepared against surrilous guys with only one thing in mind…..

the girl above is lucky to still have her clothes on….

let me start at the fraternity.

fijis throw parties. playboy rated us as the partyingist fraternity in the country. from campus to campus, all over the country, we may not have been the biggest and best partiers on a given campus, but overall, nationwide, we had the biggest commitment to excellent parties.

at uta, we were a small house. 40-60 members at any given time. but everyone knew. our parties rocked.

every year, to kick off the start of rush (recruitment of perspective members) we held our annual ‘islander’ party.

these parties rocked.

traditionally, we built a lagoon in the front yard, with a waterfall going into it. we covered the deck with bamboo, right next to the lagoon. we started putting a small little puddle on the side of the house, with a waterfall, just for fun. and late in my term at uta we started putting a third, much larger lagoon in the back yard. we built a deck back there as well. sometimes pet stores had sick fish, that were about to die. they went in the water too. someitmes they were eaten. not by us, we knew they were sick.

a couple of other improvements we erected every year, just for islander included a bridge over the front yard lagoon, from the sidewalk to the deck. a gilligan’s island style ‘smut hut’, for makin’ out. nothing but couches inside. also, two dump trucks worth of sand to make a beach, complete with a bar. we surrounded the yard with a bamboo fence, to keep out the riffraff (liberal trouble makers)

once we had a live band.

and all of this was just to get chicks. what other pursuit is there in colege? i know, i know. all of y’all saying ‘hey mlah, maybe that’s why you ended up in the navy’ …. piss off. i had a good time, and enjoy my current profession.

now, for the training i offered to my co worker-outers. it all starts with alcohol.

we liked to refer to it as ‘the social lubricant’ in polite circles. but in the quiet dark recesses of our secret getting laid strategy meetings, we liked to refer to it as ‘the golden elixir’. and mind you, these little clandestine undertakings were thinly veiled training ops for later membership on the republican party dirty tricks squad.

punch was our prefered methods of slipping large amounts of alcohol into unsuspecting girls.

and keep in mind they were usually not sorority girls. THEY knew all of our tricks. and passed them down. big sis to lil sis.

no, we preyed on the girls from the fashion college of ‘bauder’ primarily. i plead the 5th amendment to any other females.

so, punch it was. we started with about 2-3 inches of cubed fruit in the bottom of a huge cooler. strawberries cut in half, orange slices, cherries, apple wedges, grapes, and the like. then we would cover the fruit with grain alcohol. everclear or crystal clear. maybe bacardi 151. we’d let that sit for around 2 hours. the fruit would soak up the alcohol, then start to disintegrate. that’s how we would know when the fruit was ready. when it started to dissolve, it was time to complete the punch.

at that point we would dump the fruit, and alcohol, into a bath tub, fill it with water, and a myriad of powdered koolaid type flavorings. add more alcohol until the punch could eat the paint off of the broomstick we were using to stir it.

voila!

now, the trick, is that only girls get the fruit. guys would get straight punch, or re-directed to one of the 12 kegs. girls got fruit. and if they ate the fruit, each piece was around a shot of grain alcohol, they were toasted.

come with me…. what was your name again? i have something i’d like to show you. where are you from? MAINE? wow that sounds sooo interesting… are you cold? like in maine? no? you say texas is HOT? well, that’s because you’re sooooo bundled up! let me help you out of that t-shirt……

in the non-islander season, one of our favorite tactics for administering the ‘golden elixir’ was a bartles and james wine cooler. but we would spike it.

get a regular glass, fill it with ice, fill it half way with strawberry schnepps, then top it off with a b&j berry wine cooler. then you hold the wine cooler bottle so that the ‘desired’ target could see it when you offered her the glass. invariably this worked incredibly well. wine coolers were really popular at the time, so you were throwing a huge amount of peer pressure at them as well. other girls would think they were freaks if they didn’t like b&j.

they’d drink that stuff like coke. then want another. come right this way please. what did you say your name was again?

MAKE YOUR OWN DRINK GIRLS. open your own bottle. especially today with all of those new little drugs floating around.

now to the tactics i used while in the navy. uh, well, i’m not sure i want to disclose all of those little secrets online just yet, as they still work.

some extra stuff for y’all i found while surfing blogs, and i’m sorry but i can’t remember who refered my to the ace of spades sex for money story.

go here to see if you are a militant feminist. take some of spacefem’s other quizzes as well

18 Comments »

  1. Wow, why didn’t I know you back then? I’d have helped you cut the fruit into nice little chunks, spiked the punch, and then somehow conned YOU into partaking of it with me.

    Oh that’s right…I’m older than you are.

    Still, it would’ve been fun to be the almost-Mrs. Robinson to a strappin’ young buck such as yourself.

    Sigh.

    Comment by Da Goddess — June 22, 2004 @ 11:40 pm

  2. Shameful! But Hilarious! Great post.

    Comment by Lisa — June 23, 2004 @ 4:14 am

  3. I was too shy in College…probably was told to stay away from guys like you.

    Wow, I wish I had the ‘current’ head on my shoulders, screwed on way back then. I changed so much, wonder what I WOULD have been like? Oh well, just fun to speculate………..

    Comment by Peach — June 23, 2004 @ 5:08 pm

  4. mlah, you seemed like such a “quiet” kind of guy when I knew you in Rota…then again, it was probably you who ordered me the fatal shot of jaeger at the irish pub that night when I got wasted. Sad thing is, I think I’m getting to know you much better from reading your blog than I ever did when we worked together…

    Comment by Melissa — June 23, 2004 @ 9:59 pm

  5. jaeger? i have NEVER had any jaeger? what is it? is it good?

    Comment by mlah — June 23, 2004 @ 11:24 pm

  6. Nice. I wasn’t ever part of a frat house having never attended university… However our parties are/were pretty sweet. They involved swarming a stranger’s party and violating their washrooms, taking over beaches at camp grounds or just gathering in a random forest where we would pile up dead trees and set fire to them. These all ended with everyone passed out and scattered throughout the forest. Good times.

    p.s. jaeger is not something you want to get drunk off of… you’ll end up heaving out your internal organs by the end of the night…

    Comment by Sean!!! — June 24, 2004 @ 1:56 am

  7. hey, just wanted to say thanks for visiting my site

    Comment by athena — June 24, 2004 @ 10:58 pm

  8. So how many women did you and your buddies *DATE RAPE* with these methods? DUH, I suppose those girls must’ve *WANTED IT* (in that no means yes sort of way, of course) since they trusted you all to make their drinks. OH WAIT! I’m sorry – you’re trying to make amends now. Awwww, you’re such a *GREAT* guy for posting this “WARNING” on your website directed toward young, unsuspecting women who are coming of age. Gee, what a champ you are!

    I have a question for you…did it work? Did it? Did posting this ridiculous piece alleviate your guilt? Are you absolved of rape now? Puhleeze. No wonder you don’t have a girlfriend – from the sound of it, the only chance you’ve got is to spike someone’s drink, abduct them and then keep them chained up in your basement. On second thought, I think this is the perfect girl for you.

    Knock yourself out, slugger. You’re *SO* cool, you RAWK.

    Comment by Dolly — June 25, 2004 @ 9:36 am

  9. date rape? what is date rape exactly? you think we got them so drunk they passed out and used them? oh, they were too drunk? so they weren’t responsible for their actions anymore. news flash. i was drunker than they were. maybe they raped me.

    the girl in the pic is just a random photo i found on the net. i know the bar. it’s in seville, spain. it made me laugh.

    hmmmm. making ammends? that would assume i think i did something wrong. just warning my girls.

    and for the record. those date rapees, just kept coming back. i still talk to a few of them, after all this time.

    Comment by mlah — June 25, 2004 @ 10:34 am

  10. please read the very first comment on this post.

    Comment by mlah — June 25, 2004 @ 10:35 am

  11. Rightio, pal. Whatever gets you through the day. You were doing those girls a favor. They needed it.

    Comment by Dolly — June 25, 2004 @ 11:37 am

  12. So Dolly, a woman being drunk absolves them of responsibility but the same isn’t true for men? GIRL POWER!

    If anyone, and I mean ANYONE cannot tell when they are getting drunk or has no control of themselves when they are drunk shouldn’t be drinking as they do not know their limits. If you cannot be responsible when you drink then drink responsibly. That’s all there is too it. I highly doubt these people went to the bar alone, where were their friends? Why didn’t they stop their friend from getting macked? I know I look out for my friends when out on the town.

    Oh, and Dolly, don’t bother posting if you are just going to say I’m just a guy sticking up for guys. I’m just sick of hearing about “date rape this and date rape that” because some people lose control and then regret it. Most people go out to bars and clubs and drink because booze is a social lubricant. If it makes you spread em’ don’t do it.

    Comment by Sean!!! — June 26, 2004 @ 3:48 pm

  13. My husband disagrees with Dolly, but gives me some leeway to the following footnote to Ms. Dolly.

    I do not agree with everything that she says. But I do want to bring something up that happened to me. I never really drank in college. I wasn’t interested. But I do remember getting a litte soused(not drop down drunk), on only 3/4 Margarita (my first drink). If I had not been with my nice boyfriend, anyone else could have taken advantage of me. I think everyone is entitled to that one time as a virgin drinker who knows NOTHING about alcohol.(we had none in my family)
    I suppose after that you’re on your own.

    Comment by Peach — June 27, 2004 @ 8:00 pm

  14. friends taking care of each other is the most important thing when approaching a college party. i tell my girls they can have one drink. no fruit. at least til they get a tolerance built up.

    your boyfriend looking out for you is what boyfriends are for.

    Comment by mlah — June 27, 2004 @ 11:40 pm

  15. wow. i grew up in quiet white collar part of england, was shit at sports, couldnt for the life of me make myself convincingly interesting at parties and sulked at anyone who didnt share that experience.
    ..i just thought you might like to spare a moment for others.
    ……i bet your all going to vote for bush

    Comment by tom clarke — September 2, 2004 @ 8:43 pm

  16. what the hell are you talking about? i vote for bush always! are you talking about the presidential election? grew up in england? are you a u.s. citizen? do you have a vote in our election? why are you talking abou tit? and why on this post? there are much more current posts dealing with dubya.

    spare a moment for others? what?

    Comment by mlah — September 2, 2004 @ 10:29 pm

  17. This Dolly doesn’t seem to have a clue…. She needs to get out of left field and have a two-by-four broken over her doucebag backside. That aside, Fijis are always bright, moral, upstanding people….

    In regards to Bush,

    I’m just glad that my countrymen aren’t dying for a useless cause.. In fact, the last Canadian to die to the best of my knowledge was bombed by a coked up American pilot during a training excercise. Vote how you like, I don’t care.

    Back to being a Fiji…. AWWW YEAH!!! Damn Proud.

    FIJI ISLANDER EDMONTON. OCT 15, 2004.

    Check http://www.phigam.ca for a great chapter website…

    Comment by Matty — October 14, 2004 @ 12:39 am

  18. You’re a piggish loser.

    Comment by drew — July 24, 2009 @ 1:46 am

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