mlah The ďcultureĒ that has evolved here isnít conducive to sissies

May 20, 2004

Good Dog

Filed under: Humor — mlah @ 10:19 pm

Dachshunds rock!

why does everybody like big dogs so much?

little dogs rule. don’t get me wrong, those little yappy things can get on my nerves. but not dachshunds.

dachshunds rock.

i used to have a little dachshund when i was little. he was cool. good watchdog, and could do tons o tricks. he played fetch. buried mice in my moms side of the bed. and he didn’t like squirrels or cats.

someday, when i hit the powerball, i’m going to have an entire pack of little wienie dogs.

i’m going to give them all really cool names too. names like wolf, fang, bullet and cripler. cripler will be my favorite.

then when those pesky college kids come knocking on my door, trying to get me to vote for them, by buying multiple subscriptions to magazines i won’t read. i’ll reach around behind the door to my secret dog door opener, and i’ll yell….

‘smithers, release the hounds’

and i’ll run behind the fleeing college kids with my blogging camera to record the hunt/chase as cripler voraciously leads the way to magazine salesman ass.

yeah, i got part of this idea from the simpsons, when mr. burns had smithers let the dogs out on a girl scout cookie salesman. i think it was ned flanders.

hmm, who else would i turn cripler loose on you ask?

mormon missionaries
jehovahs witnesses
charity solicitors
dan rather
john kerry
and evil squirrels
*teddy kennedy
*al gore
*al franken
michael moore because rahcel lucas likes him soooo much
Nicole Ritchie, Because Mel says so…

* – these people were added at the request of cj.

and who would i not turn cripler loose on?

girl scouts
avon ladies
the mailman
delivery people
venomous kate who has sort of the same problem
and the olsen twins

seriously though. dachshunds are smart, good watchdogs, and girls like them.

i have no idea who the two girls are in the pic, it was sent to me via email years ago as a ‘priceless moment’.

most importantly to all y’all big dog lovers, i won’t require a huge bucket for a pooper scooper.

update another reason to like the little dogs. cj has pointed out that she prefers larger dogs for their larger jaws and locked bites.

true, rotts have a little more …. um …. ability when taking down that pesky salesman, but i have been planning ahead for the court date.

fast forward to me on judge judy (these comments were not approved by her, nor did she have any input into the story) as the defendant.

with said plaintiff explaining to jj the horror of “all those little teeth, and those little legs! they just kept running your honor, it was horrible!”

and jj pans over to me, “well, what do you have to say for yourself?”

and me, shrugging my shoulders, “your honor, they’re wienie dogs, what could they do?”

…. i have a hell of a lot better chance of getting away with scot free as a result of criplers diminuative size, than if i had a pack of rotts, who merely ate the salesman.

noooooo, i want to gloat. let the salesman have a sporting chance to reach the fence…..

wienie dogs rock!


  1. Could there be any other reason why you like Weiner dogs? Hmmmm?

    I once saw a Daschund-Rottweiler mix. It was the most amazing, strange animal I’d ever seen. It had the snout and body of a Rottweiler but the legs of a Daschund. No kidding!!!

    We’re privvy to the bigger dogs: Rottweilers and Golden Retrievers. When someone comes to the door that we don’t like then I want the locked jaws of the Rott on the trespasser, but I love the friendliness of the retriever, especially around kids.

    Can we add Teddy Kennedy, Al Gore, Al Franken, and Madonna to the list to turn the dogs on?

    Comment by CJ — May 20, 2004 @ 10:49 pm

  2. this topic is so fucking weird. almost every house i looked at last weekend had a weiner-dog. i dig ’em – little poops and a ton of loyalty.

    Comment by marco (polo!) — May 21, 2004 @ 1:11 am

  3. I used to have a weiner dog, Buddy. He was the best pet I’ve had – a cat in a dog’s body, a dog with a cat’s soul. Except when it came to protecting me and mine, he was vicious. Seriously. The best damned guard dog I’ve ever had. I miss that little guy.

    I loved him too much to make him spend the 60 days in a kennel that Hawaii required at the time for dogs moving here, so I found him a home where they wanted to have dogs but not kids. Now Buddy “writes” me once a month and sends pictures, and I send him treats and visit him. But, Lord. I miss that dog so much more than I miss my old friends.

    Like you, I’ll have a pack of ’em some day. Daschunds rule!

    Comment by Venomous Kate — May 21, 2004 @ 2:33 am

  4. Sit. Beg. Good boy.

    Weiners rule.

    (Um…. Grammar, dear. Grammar. Punctuation. Capitalization. And, btw, ee cummings died broke. Still, weiners rule!)

    Trackback by Electric Venom — May 21, 2004 @ 2:48 am

  5. That’s why I loved Shortie, my minpin so much-he wasn’t a weinie dog, but he was damned close!

    Rock on little dogs!

    Comment by Madame Butterfly — May 21, 2004 @ 6:10 am

  6. ” I want to be an weiner named Oscar Meyer, that is what I wanna be..”


    Comment by Chris Muir — May 21, 2004 @ 11:25 am

  7. Rock on “Baron von Tooter”. Hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was take him to the Vet to be put to sleep. Still have his collar. savagemod99

    Comment by dad — May 21, 2004 @ 11:32 am

  8. Wieners are good, but I can do without weiners. Unfortunately, many small dogs, including some wiener dogs are weiners, which is why many people find them annoying. Personally, I prefer larger, more mellow dogs like pit bulls and Rottweilers.

    Comment by Xrlq — May 21, 2004 @ 12:14 pm

  9. Weiner Dogs rock. Intelligent, affectionate, loyal as hell, ferocious at small insects, squirrels, door-to-door salesmen, my sister-in-law (good judgement there) and even Rottweilers. A big dog in a little dog body.

    Our Weiner Beast, Sausage, curls up at my feet while I work every day (I work from home) and my clients all know his name. On Saturdays he gets royally bent out of shape if I don’t open up the office by 7 am.

    When I retire I have visions of having a weiner dog ranch – millions of the little guys thundering over the plain in huge herds.

    Comment by Cassandra — May 21, 2004 @ 2:18 pm

  10. Weiner dogs rule the world. I had two of these wonderful creatures. One was named Greta and the other Bruno. They were the most loyal, lovable creatures. If only my kids were so loving and loyal.

    Comment by Cathy — May 21, 2004 @ 4:16 pm

  11. That has got to be one of the funniest blog posts I have ever read. ::: still laughing :::

    Comment by Randy — May 21, 2004 @ 5:18 pm

  12. I had a weiner dog. His name, Baron J. Dog.(He had a middle inital because he was so long his name required same) My folks got him for us at Easter when I was but a meer sprout of about 12. I grew up with that pup. He past on about 14 years later, mom buried him in the back yard near my dads garden. That was 23 years ago…and I still miss that damn dog. Weiner’s rock indeed!!

    Comment by Guy S. — May 21, 2004 @ 11:57 pm

  13. Dachs rule.

    My sister just got a new one, a puppy about the size of your fist. I’m with you, soon as I win the lottery I’m gonna get me about two hundred of them, and I’m gonna call them all “killer”. Then, I can go out my back door with a big bowl of kibble and yell “c’mere Killer!” and two hundred wiener dogs will come running up the hill, tails wagging, big ears flopping, tongues wagging in the breeze.

    Ever come up close and personal wth a badger? A badger is such a vicious SOB that a full-grown bear will run up a tree to avoid one.

    Dachs hund means “badger dog”. These dogs were trained to go down into holes and roust out or kill badgers. Don’t ever let anyone you know, think that a dachs is a wussy dog.

    I also love Chihuahuas. The aztecs revered the Chihuahua above all dogs, and would train them to go into battle and nip at the achilles tendon of an enemy and stay clamped on. The Aztec glyph for “retreat” is a man with a dog attached to his heel.

    Comment by og — May 22, 2004 @ 8:45 am

  14. We just recently purchased a weiner dog. Long haired daschund named Dale. He has more personality than any most people on those so called sticoms. If there is an ant in the area, beware, he will find you and hunt you down.

    Comment by garybibb — May 22, 2004 @ 12:54 pm

  15. Your post brought back many wonderful memories of the great dachshunds I had growing up.

    Blizten was the first – we got him when I was six years old on Christmas, and he was the most wonderful dog anyone could have. He helped my dad mow the lawn every saturday, and he absolutely adored the hired man, James, who came to help my dad with big jobs in the yard and house.

    Blitzen ruptured his disk at age 7 – one of the garbage men kicked him down the steps on our patio. He was paralized from his waist (pretend they have those) down and could not walk or pee by himself.

    The vet wanted us to put him to sleep, so we found another vet. I was 13 – our new vet taught me how to give him cordisone and B12 shots every day and how to do physical therapy with his hind legs. I also learned how to empty his bladder.

    For 4 months, Blitzen lived in a playpen (my parents were absolutely the best on earth). Mom and dad were afraid he would never recover, so they brought us home a little girl longhair dachshund.

    Within 36 hours, Blitzen figured out how to move his two hind legs together in a kind of hopping motion so he could chase after his new girlfriend.
    He hopped around like that until he was 16 years old, when cancer finally took our bestest weiner dog ever away from us. I was in college then.

    Comment by Beth Donovan — May 22, 2004 @ 8:36 pm

  16. Weiner Dogs

    A dachshund is a mlah: Good Dog. I love dachshunds – had them growing up – even showed and bred my long hair dachshund. MLAH is a new blog for me. I’ve added MLAH to my blogroll, except for his…

    Trackback by She Who Will Be Obeyed! — May 22, 2004 @ 8:54 pm

  17. I have Jack Russells, but my friend has Dachs. They were originally bred to hunt BADGERS in germany. Toughest dogs I’ve ever seen in the field hunting. Every time we used to go to field trials, the other terrier folk’s faces would drop when the JR’s arrived, ‘cuz we’d clean their clocks. Then I went to a Dach Club meet and BOY was I impressed. We didn’t stand a chance.

    Comment by salomeh — May 25, 2004 @ 12:40 pm

  18. Although weiner dogs are cute, they do have one drawback…

    You can’t ride them to work if your car breaks down:

    (yes, that’s really my dog)

    Comment by Harvey — May 25, 2004 @ 8:12 pm

  19. I want a Weiner dog soo bad…they seem like they would fit my life style perfectly. If any owners out there feel up to it, would u send me some info about the little Weiners, and training tips? I want to get info from real owners!! Maybe even some tips about living with Daschunds aswell. Thank you! -Burben

    Comment by Burben — June 15, 2004 @ 1:45 pm

  20. Yes!!! Doxies ROCK!!!

    I have a female short hair miniature daschund, her name is Diamond. She is 7 months old now. She is the best dog I have ever owned. And very smart too. She is my first doxie. She was quick to potty train. All I had to do was tell her no! no! firmly and show her what she did wrong about three times and that was it. The only thing I have a problem with is her chewing every damb thing. The little runt climbed up on my desk and chewed up homework I was supposed to type up on the computer the same day. Luckly I was able to find all the pieces and tape them together. She also chewed a couple of my history books. I love her soo much i can’t get mad at her. I think she just gets bored and misses me, and of course she is teething. She goes with me every where. This semester even I took her to campous with me thinking my husband would be able to get her form me before my calss started. Well that did not happen. I took her to my professor’s office with me and he said she could come no problem. So yes she got to go to class with me and sat in my lap the whole time my class is Historical Geology and a 1 hour class.

    Comment by Sandy Finckbone — November 17, 2004 @ 9:04 pm



    Comment by nicole — February 20, 2006 @ 6:48 pm

  22. weiner dogs rock man!!! someday they will rule the world. we have 2.
    black jack and pumpkin. black jack is 2 years pumpkin is 6 months. they are the best little dogs in the world!!! the funny thing is that these 2 would
    definately eat until they burst! but seriously, weiner dogs will rule the world someday.
    / / / / if you can’t tell that is supposed to be a



    Comment by DACHSIE LOVER — March 21, 2007 @ 8:02 pm

  23. Hey I’am getting a baby dachund next month. Will she be good with a wee wee pad? And are they good apartments dogs? I live in a two family house.

    Comment by HEY! I'm getting a Dachund next month, are they good apartment dogs? — April 29, 2007 @ 6:22 pm

  24. hi i am sandy and my sis is abseat with weiner dogs we almost got one yesterday and then the lady went and sold how mean ha i like the dog i have right now she is small but viuoses she will bight my bro she already has she hates him but she loves me so i have a 3 quarter mini pin 1/4 pom and something something i don’t know but she rules ah does any one have asugar glider?

    Comment by sandy — January 23, 2009 @ 1:59 pm

  25. Well, I have a pack of Dachshunds! I have a female 7yr name Dutchess who is a Red Sable. My Wife had her bread with a Black and Tan Silver Dapple, Lord, did we get a mixed litter. Unfortunately Dutch had to have a cesarean after she was two days over due. The first pup out was a Red Dapple we later named Boss Hog, since he would push everyone out so he would have all the milk. We had to pull him out so the other could nurse and get their fair share.

    Second was a Black and Tan Silver Dapple we named Patch. He has the same attitude and affection as his father and looks just like him and always rolls over on his back and thumps his tail when you want to pick him up.

    Then came Mask, He was a dark brown with a raccoon mask on his face as a puppy. He later turned out to be a Red Sable like his mom but better looking coat. He also turned out to be my best buddy along with the next pup, a black and tan who my grand daughter named Pickles and thinks heís a Doberman. Loves everyone in the family, but dislikes the Mail-Man, Meter Reader, and our screwy next door neighbors.

    Lady was the last, the only female and the runt. She is very loving and likes to cuddle under a blanket with anyone who will indulge her. She has a very sweet personality.

    To answer an earlier question, I didnít have much of a problem with them chewing everything in sight. When they were pups I started giving them chicken flavored raw hide bones or flat pieces. They would go through a bag of the flats in about a week and the bones lasted about two.

    We never gave them away because they crawled into our hearts, so we kept the litter. They go everywhere with me and even to do chores. They like to think they are big dogs and chase off cows when I fill water tanks and pitch hay.

    Iíve owned or should I rephrase, had the honor to be friends with several dogs through out my life, but the first time I had a dachshund, a female named Dianne who my daughter named, she was a great dog, loyal and part of the family. She always wanted to be in my lap. She was always waiting for me and the end of the day to have me pick her up and take her to the pickup and had to the farm. She too thought she was tough and would chase cows away from me. Unfortunately and previous neighbor poisoned her because she would bark at him and growl at him if he came too close to her pin. He ended up going to jail for a year and fined $1000.00 for the poisoning. I also sued him personally. He moved which was fine and never showed up for court. God will deal with him some day.

    Two years later my Wife and I wanted another dog. We then got Dutchess.

    I love these dogs!!!! Their my best friends, other than my Wife.

    Comment by Mark — March 21, 2010 @ 2:33 am

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